Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

Husband: my back hurts

Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.