Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”

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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.


[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*


coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions


I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.


DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER


Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”


I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.


[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this


ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.


i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on