@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

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@elonmusk

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

@50FirstTates

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

@GreyDeLisle

I’ll never be as horrified as the kid who suddenly realizes they’ve been following the wrong “mom butt” at the grocery store.

@NoTheOtherJohn

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

@iinkedZombie

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

@joeljeffrey

I’m glad chocolate bars come with resealable packages, so I can eat half now, and the other half 1 minute from now.

@markydoodoo

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

@TNeenan

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on