Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

You were the one.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

584.

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.

6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.