Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

💀

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated