Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific