Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud

Me: what? What did I do??

Government: wouldn’t you like to know

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.