acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
You Might Also Like
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.