Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Meow
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
ok like just. call me at this point
