[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
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My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Imma just leave this here…………
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
