[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
You Might Also Like
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.