Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

i’m still crying at this

😭🤣

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.