Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.
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People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
CAUGHT IN A ?????
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries
Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?
Interviewer: No like long term.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.