Accepting a Facebook friend request from someone you follow on twitter is like bringing home your drug dealer to meet your family.

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Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.


People who try to prepare for the end of the world are obviously misunderstanding the core concept.


[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty


*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re


I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.


“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries


Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future?

Me: Lunch

Interviewer: No like long term.

Me: Oh…Dinner.


The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.