Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or