Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
You Might Also Like
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.