Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
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[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
White Castle for the Win
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Happy Taco Tuesday
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found