Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.