Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.