Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!