Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.