Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
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Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Suuuuure
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
sigh
About to throw up
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.