*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
My age is news to me every single time I remember