*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
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There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
True statement👍😏😁
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Jurassic park gets weird
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.