Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

I hate my earbuds.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?

Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.