Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket
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*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…