Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Stop.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.