accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
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My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough