accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
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I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
#Caturday
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
this makes me so uncomfortable
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.