accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
You Might Also Like
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.