*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
We’ve all been there…
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.