*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*![]()
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
🤔😂😂
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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