Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
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Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
This is a true ally.
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.