Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
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I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
(Gaming support cat.)
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭