Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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Erm…
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared