Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge