Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken