Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB