Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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oh my gosh!!
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
#TopTip
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby