Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.