Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I know
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
S M O L
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️