Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?