Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”