Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
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Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
These aren’t even hard anymore.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.