Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

New favorite tiktok

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1580526581826682883/pu/vid/576x576/GHAPZ-y8ND4j4qcM.mp4?tag=12

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”