Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

Twitter is the new flypaper.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*