Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?