Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

TITANIC: GOING DOWN!

LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english