Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

couldn’t resist

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

Sorry not sorry.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

applying for a new job

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

🥃

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building