Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.

I miss third grade.