accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
cat faces on other animals, a thread
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
when someone compliments me
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.