Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”

“No.”

“Why not, sir?”

“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”

I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

Me sliding into hell like

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first