accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared