Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn