Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…