Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.