accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
The Weeknd is back
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
i hate you platonically
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)