accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
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Hot Hot Hot
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy