Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.