Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

shut up and take my money

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.