Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Just got to our Airbnb!

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…