[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
You Might Also Like
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.