Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

There is wisdom there.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

I am HOWLING at this

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School