Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

neighborhood watch

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN