accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
☠️☠️☠️
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.