accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Do not steal food from the science building!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…