Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

The honesty is refreshing

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline