Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?