*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
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Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*