Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Just added something to my bucket list.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

There’s no “us” in nachos.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.