Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
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I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
This came to me in a dream.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …