Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

Spa day..😅

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!

Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.