Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?