Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.