Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
When I asked my son who the best reader in his class was, he said, “probably ms sue.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
In space, no one can hear…
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
guilty
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors