Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set